Do you have a growth mindset towards parenting?

Do you ever feel like you have lost control of your house and that you have no idea what you are doing as a parent? You are not alone. I saw a joke today that went like this, “A salesman called and asked to talk to the person who ran the house so I passed the phone to my three-year old.” Isn’t that the truth? Jim Gaffigan, a comedian, described parenting this way, “Most of the time I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.” We all have particular areas or days or a child that challenges us. It is completely normal. Think of the best parent you can think of. I PROMISE YOU they have felt like they didn’t know what they were doing as a parent. A LOT.

So what do we do about it? I talked to a frustrated mom of a preschooler today. She was beside herself. One of her children has been having a lot of problem behaviors and she said she often feels like he walks all over her. She wanted a few ideas of behavior interventions she could try, but what I felt like I needed to give her most was the belief that she could handle the challenge. I know she can! There are moments when we just feel a little hopeless and have doubt in our abilities.

Have you heard about growth mindset? Teachers talk about trying to ingrain it in their students, parents try to ingrain it in their kids, and leaders try to ingrain it in their employees. While all this is good and important, we also need to ingrain it in ourselves in our role as a parent.

What is growth mindset? It is a way of viewing ourselves and the possibilities about what we can do and accomplish. It was described and researched by a psychologist named Carol Dweck. She explains that someone with a growth mindset has the belief that dedication and hard work can help them grow. It isn’t just about brains and talents. Because of these beliefs, a person with a growth mindset isn’t easily discouraged and preserveres through difficulties. She describes the opposite of a growth mindset as a fixed mindset. This is when one believes that their intelligence or talents are unchangeable traits. When they run into a problem they give up more easily because whether or not they realize it, they believe that they are lacking the necessary skills. They think what they are doing should be easy or at least easier.

Since my description above is an oversimplified explanation, I recommend that you read more in Carol Dweck’s book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. I  especially love this concept of growth mindset because there are important reasons to parent in a way that will help children develop a growth mindset. But that discussion is for another day.

Instead I want each of us to ask ourselves this question: What mindset do I have towards my parenting skills?

Let’s take our ability to handle problem behaviors in our children. I have caught myself having a fixed mindset thinking thoughts like, “I will never get this figured out.” Or, “Why did Heavenly Father give me this particular child? Surely He knew I do not have the patience this child needs!” Or, “I am not good at playing with my child.” And many more such thoughts. These all are fixed mindsets. Instead we need to keep a growth mindset that we can learn any skill we need. We don’t need to let the past dictate the future. Do you think about your past “failures” as evidence that you will never be good at a certain parenting skill?

Here is a little quiz. Evaluate how are you doing?

1. At the end of an especially trying day, do you focus on all of what you perceive as shortcomings or do you give yourself credit for the effort that you put in and recognize even the smallest wins? It is easy to beat ourselves up over our mistakes, but a growth mindset allows us to be human. We are learning and growing each day. Recognizing our effort is more important than just recognizing the result.
2. Do you feel like parenting should be easy? Sometimes I look at my parenting heros and feel sure that I am doing something wrong because it is just so hard. Truthfully, it requires all kinds of effort for every parent who is trying to do a good job even if it appears effortless.
3. If there is something that does come a little easier to you, do think you are done growing in that area? A growth mindset aims to always be growing.
4. When other parents do something well, how do you feel? A growth mindset recognizes that other’s successes are not our failures. It is not only good when others do something well, it is great!

When we stop and think about it, Heavenly Father has a growth mindset towards all of his children. He knows we can continue to grow and progress in all areas. He doesn’t think we are hopeless. He knows we can improve so much we can eventually be perfected. Keep believing in yourself, fellow moms. Recognize your limiting beliefs and know that although parenting can be challenging, we can continue to grow and improve. We can believe in our ability to improve because Father in Heaven does.

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